It has come time to retire this collection of thoughts, fears, frustrations, highs, lows, hopes and dreams. I need to start over. But not without carrying the past with me. I wouldn’t change a thing. It all fits perfectly into who I have become in every way…
If you care to follow the next chapter of my life, contact me. I will be documenting my future adventures in another forum. Take care and remember this:
“Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.”
You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we’ll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove
You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living
You see my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
I say his body’s too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school and that’s what I did
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way
I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ’round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone
You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain’t got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You’ll find work and I’ll get promoted
We’ll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I’d always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain’t going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way
It is not uncommon for the big events in life, the ones that really jolt you, to inevitably get the wheels turning. And it usually takes a while to make sense of it all. I’m gaining a better understanding as of late. I’ve had to do a lot of searching within myself over the last few weeks but I’m glad I have.
I was with my sister today and we were getting some things situated for her wedding. It dawned on me. Wow, my sister is getting married. I started replaying our childhood and certain pivotal events in my head. I won’t lie, it was emotional. If you understand me at all, you know how ridiculously sappy I am sometimes. I guess I just got really overwhelmed with happiness for her. She’s my best friend and always there for me. I’m just comforted to know that she has Cole and that they are so good for each other. I know he will always take care of her.
So I started thinking. About where I’ve been and what I’ve done, as well as who I’ve met. I also pondered where I am going. I used to sit and wish for the dream. Marriage, kids, happily ever after. Who knows, it could happen someday. But that is not what I am planning on or expecting. There are specific things that I can make happen in my lifetime and other things that are ultimately left up to chance. I can go to school, work my ass off, and eventually make a difference in this world as a nurse. I want to travel as a nurse. I am almost certain that i will. I’ve come to the realization that all that really matters to me are the simple things in life. I’m not looking for a miracle. I don’t need someone to validate me, comfort me, keep me safe, or take care of me. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice. I am, after all, a human and I require a certain amount of companionship to survive. But what I am really searching for is more than that. I want someone who is special to me and that I believe in. I would like to hold importance in someone’s life. And for once it would be great to experience some honesty. Someone told me recently that I have trust issues and I will admit that I do at times. We all do. But the truth is that I give trust until it is taken advantage of. Each new person in my life starts with a clean slate.
My point is this. I have no idea how long my life will last. There are things I want, things I can never have, and things that I will make happen. In the end, all I desire is a passionate connection with someone who believes in and respects me enough to be honest. Someone who will continuously let me grown into the woman I am striving to be. I want to create memories that take my breathe away. I want someone to hold me close and share all the perfect moments with. My heart is hurting right now but I know that I have my whole life ahead of me. Someone special reminded me of that. I also know I am a dreamer. But I’m holding onto the hope that beyond the wall of uncertainty, there is an infinite amount of sunshine just waiting for me on the other side.
-Karma is the Hindu and Buddhist philosophy according to which the quality of people’s current and future lives is determined by their behavior in this and in previous lives. Good behavior is rewarded with goodness in life, and bad behavior is punished. It is something like God: it takes one to be a believer to experience it and be convinced of it.
-An evil bitch that lives in the sky, punishing those who do the most minor of things with something a thousand times worse.
-A game of frisbee with your actions. Everything that you do has repercussions. It comes back to you one way or another.
-Buddhist concept of life’s actions catching up with you either negatively or positively. Basically what goes around comes around.
-When you lead a fake life of Buddhism, become a fake monk, and make everyone believe you are a such a great person. You surround yourself with reminders of what you believe in but really everything about you is a lie. You are a fake, a lier, a cheater, controlling, manipulative, and abusive in countless ways. One day, the shrine you have built, will destroy you. And so will everyone you ever fucked over. Just wait for it.
Currently in the process of understanding some things. I know these answers and/or reasons will never be revealed but I have to ponder them anyways. It is what I do.
You spend seven months getting to know the ins and outs of someone. Building a friendship plus what seems like a strong connection. Things happen. I mean, that’s life. Shit fucking happens. Sometimes there truly is neither side to blame. Because ultimately people decide they want different things, different companionship, and perhaps they are just at completely opposite places in their lives. But in the end, why not try to be a decent person about it. The way you handle yourself in certain situations is a true testament to your character. If someone says to you, and I quote,
One of the most difficult emotions that I’ve ever had to deal with is that of betrayal and rejection. It is so incapacitating to know that you are not that someone anymore. The place that you used to fill in someone’s life is now filled by something else.
After everything, I have no harsh words. Hurt and extreme sadness is all I feel. You will never know why someone chooses the actions they do or why they no longer wish to continue their journey with you at their side. You can’t change those events no matter how bad you want to. My only wish is to be able to wash it all away. Every memory and experience shared so the daily reminders are not so difficult to survive. I wish to not feel so invested in a dream that will never come true. Sometimes, even if you believe in something with every piece of yourself, you still end up empty in the end.
